Why nurturing friendships outside marriage is important

She says over the years the couple have grown in different ways and there is a void. “I love my husband, but there are pursuits and conversations that no longer interest him. I want to start working on nurturing my friendships."

This is a concern that often shows up in therapy sessions. Clients across age groups speak about this—some mention it in the context of how they need separate friends from the couple friends they have so that they can openly share and talk about what they are feeling. Others talk about it in the context of how both partners have differing stances on friendships, which in turn leads to conflicts and comes in the way of harmony in a marriage.

Also read: The importance of ‘third places’ in a disconnected world

While the topic of friendships or their absence in the context of a marriage is a common theme in psychotherapy, clients mention that they don’t have many spaces in their life where they can articulate this need or share it without being judged. Marriage or long-term romantic partnered relationships are built on friendship, attunement and understanding of our partner’s needs.

At the same time very often as a culture we undermine the value of individual friendships and the needs it fulfils. I think of friendships as a third place, metaphorically and literally, where we can show up, beyond our home or the workplace. The fact that they exist is healing in itself—we can choose the intensity, frequency with which we meet, how we navigate them based on reciprocity, shared values, and a sprinkle of generosity and trust that is built into the fabric of the relationship. Friendships help us to maintain our own unique identities, perspectives and views.

When couples spend all their time and energy together, there is a risk of co-dependency and losing curiosity about each other. This in turn can come in the way of emotional, physical and even sexual intimacy.

The expectation that our partner must be our best friend, therapist, sexual partner, share all our interests, agree on everything we believe in—all of it—can be tricky and a little overwhelming. Within partnered monogamous relationships we need to build space for alone time, couple time and also for friendships.

As time passes, two people in a relationship may grow differently, and while they may have shared values, their needs when it comes to interests and hobbies they want to pursue may shift.

Friendships can become a safe space where you can find others who share your interests or are activity friends who may want to pursue interests which excite you at this stage of life.

Friendships offer a psychologically safe space where one can show up in ways different from how one shows up at home—without the baggage of responsibilities and life admin. We all need those spaces, don’t we? Our friends can throw light on our life struggles in a way that feels like a fresh perspective, and also become a space where we can vent and find social soothing.

There are times when friends in adult years go through patches of connection, gradual drifting away, disconnection and then they can reconnect all over again.

Also read: Navigating grief after a personal loss

As long as there is reciprocity and a desire to rebuild friendships, there is always potential to reignite that spark of connection with an old friend from school or college.

As you work on your intimate relationships, remember that making room for friendships is not just good for you, but also your marriage. So, begin by making time for friendship now.

Sonali Gupta is a Mumbai-based clinical psychologist. She is the author of the book Anxiety: Overcome It And Live Without Fear and has a YouTube channel, Mental Health with Sonali.