Navigating grief after a personal loss
Sharing grief exposes vulnerability but gives loved ones a chance to comfort you with thoughtful gestures
My mother-in law passed away last month in her sleep due to a cardiac arrest. She was 72 and struggled with hypertension and diabetes for years, but there were no signs or symptoms that made it seem like she was going to die so suddenly. Grief seemed sneaky and while a part of me felt that she had an uncomplicated death, another part felt that she still had many more years to live. As I sit and think of all the ways grief impacts us, I have realised that it doesn’t have a fixed pattern or follow any orders. It works in ways it wants to, and it shows up in different ways for different people in the family.
Twenty years of working as a psychotherapist, and I was still not prepared for loss. Grief showed up as anxiety, a feeling of being wired and being stuck in a state of responding. I felt anxiety about inane things, worried about the health of my loved ones, and found myself in a state where I was acutely aware of my thoughts. I used all the techniques I know as a therapist yet I was sitting with it, accepting and acknowledging my feelings.
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When my father died, my grief showed up as low blood pressure and when my father in-law died, I felt exhausted. The only thing that remained constant all three times was the increase in my appetite. I felt hungrier than usual which was followed by a feeling of shame, given how most people in grief don’t want to eat and yet my body demanded food. It has taken me some years to accept and live with this reality.
As I spoke to my therapist about my mother-in-law’s loss and the emergence of anxiety, I realised how the logistics and administrative chores around it seemed to have taken precedence.
While I knew I was grieving, I had left no room to stay with all-consuming feelings that were emerging. I had jumped into responsibility and looking into what needed to be done. Speaking to my therapist five days after the loss was a step in itself that helped. I paused to articulate what I was feeling.
My therapist gently nudged me to build space for the grief to sink in. Sitting alone, writing, watching shows and walking—all ways that I process loss and allow myself to cry. Relatives showed up and checked in. A friend sent show recommendations that are comforting in the light of loss, another friend made plans to take me to my favourite restaurant. In all these moments, I was reminded of the fact that it takes a whole village to deal with grief.
A huge part of dealing with grief is feeling seen and having someone witness our grief. To have people who hold that space helps. As a therapist, sharing personal grief with clients feels vulnerable. Yet I have been touched by my clients’ responses, little gestures and thoughtful remarks.
In all these moments, I’m reminded that if we choose to make room for our grief, others do too. We need to trust that people can see us grieving yet know we are more than our grief.
I have asked myself how I can remember my mum-in-law in ways that honour the qualities she stood for. She loved her food, cooked with love, and a lot that I know about hosting comes from her. She loved running the house and I didn’t—a relationship that worked well because we both had accepted this. A day before she passed, she had stocked the house. In her giving, she found joy—a quality that one can always develop.
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As I sit with her belongings, I realise that both in her life and in her death, she taught me how to live and how to love. To travel light as one navigates life and not let the innocence be chipped away as one deals with the challenges. I know this and I still miss her, her smile, her humour, our conversations, and long for her presence.
Sonali Gupta is a Mumbai-based psychotherapist. She is the author of the book You Will be Alright: A Guide to Navigating Grief and has a YouTube channel, Mental Health with Sonali.
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