Why strong social connections matter more than ever
The antidote to loneliness lies in patience, flexibility and mindfully making time for relationships
A 25-year-old client says: “I’m told this is the best stage of my life, but it feels the loneliest. It’s been weeks since anyone has checked in about how I’m doing and what I’m feeling. There is this longing for connection, wanting to sit and have a conversation with someone who cares about me. I feel deeply alone, the likes on social media, rapid bursts of text messages, none of them feel like connection."
This is a theme that regularly makes an appearance in therapy sessions. Clients across genders talk about it, though those in the 15-45 age group talk about it more. Those aged 15-32 mention a feeling of disconnection, isolation and a desire for intimacy and depth in relationships. I have never in my career heard so many people talk about loneliness repeatedly in sessions. Earlier festivals and holidays seemed to be moments when clients would talk about how lonely they feel, but now it seems to be the background against which a lot of young people’s lives are playing out.
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Over the years as clients describe what it feels like to be lonely, I have thought about the feelings and the unmet needs that accompany it. When we are feeling lonely, there is a yearning to be seen and a deep sadness we feel for ourselves if we are not. Sometimes I feel there is a sense of grief for connections we don’t have or the ones that don’t last or mature into intimacy.
Our ability to show our authentic self and discover who we are as a person often emerges in close relationships where we experience connection. So when we don’t find ourselves in those spaces, our ideas of self and our vitality and aspiration for life begin to shrink too, slowly fading away. This impacts our self-esteem and spills over to our relationships and our perspective about life at large.
Loneliness makes it extremely hard for us to think about the future, and everything feels like a struggle as there is no one to share our joys or miseries with. There is a beauty in having someone, whether a friend, partner or a teacher, who can be a witness to our life and how we have grown. In the absence of it sometimes we are at the risk of losing our own selves. A warm feeling, tenderness and care is what we experience when we feel connected to someone. And this is the foundation for having a good life.
The idea is to recognise how loneliness is crippling us and coming in the way of our well-being.
My worry is that while a lot of people hate this state of disconnection, I see a pattern of despair and a sense of resignation or a belief that no matter what people do, their loneliness will prevail. The small act of checking in on someone, taking the initiative to meet someone, a spontaneous phone call and then making room for generosity in friendships is where the beginning of connection lies. Building social connection requires patience, flexibility, mindfully making time for relationships, and most importantly, continuing to keep the trust alive in the world we inhabit and the people in our lives.
I often suggest to clients that joining a book club, fitness class, a meditation circle, cooking or music class opens up possibilities to meet new people. At a systemic level, we as a country also need to ask ourselves what spaces we can invest in to help people to find themselves and others in ways where there is scope for interaction, contribution and freedom to co-exist.
An antidote to loneliness lies in us taking responsibility at an individual and societal level and recognising how we can work on ourselves and our systems to strengthen connections.
Sonali Gupta is a Mumbai-based psychotherapist. She is the author of the book You Will be Alright: A Guide to Navigating Grief and has a YouTube channel, Mental Health with Sonali.
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