Use self-soothing techniques to cope with difficult feelings

Very early in life, we often unconsciously find spaces and activities that provide us calm. As we grow older, we become more aware of this and begin to mindfully engage in those activities and make them a part of our life. When I was a child, my father was often quite ill, and I always found hospitals to be unsafe spaces. Though my dad would come back feeling better, hospitals evoked anxiety in me.

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While growing up, I was quiet and shy, which also meant everything I experienced, such as feelings of discomfort or thoughts that were overwhelming, I kept to myself. I found them too private to share with anyone and hence listened more and spoke less. It was in reading that I found courage, hope, imagination and a safe space for different kinds of experiences and emotions.

It became a balm to my agonies and something I could choose and go to when I wanted. Books made the present seem less scary and the future a goal worth aspiring for.

It is only in my 30s that I realised books are my soothing mechanism, my first choice when life gets hard and losses feel private and debilitating. Anyone who reads knows that books give you the space you need and find you in ways that are hard to describe.

A client told me how his habit of reading evolved into deep diving into texts, which in turn led him to a PhD, and years later, to finding solace in spiritual texts. He mentioned that when he is stressed, he signs up for self-paced spiritual and intellectual courses that allow him to introspect as he tries to make sense of the challenges that he is dealing with.

Seeking comfort in rituals

Movies and theatre have also rescued many of us at moments when we didn’t know what we were feeling or experiencing. I have a list of favourite movies and music that I see or listen to when I need to cry. This allows for empathy and connection, and at the same time, a distance from life’s woes.

For for those couple of hours or more, one is transported into a different world. Sometimes this space can be precious because for those of us who have a tendency for anxiety, our thoughts can come in our way and assume a ruminative pattern and we could end up obsessing and repeatedly thinking about certain behaviours and actions over and over.

Reading, music and watching movies or theatre provide a certain comfort and refuge. The trick today is to learn how to immerse oneself in these experiences and to keep our devices and screens away.

Watching art in any form, cooking, spending time in nature and having hobbies that range from dancing to crochet are some other activities and avenues that people may find soothing. Places of worship, libraries and community halls also provide a holding space for people.

When clients struggle with finding self-soothing, I often gently ask them to get in touch with their younger self and the answer lies there.

We can make space for social soothing and at the same time find ways to seek refuge and build our capacity to deal with life’s varied challenges.

The more we can cultivate our own self soothing spaces and rituals, the more we will find ourselves in charge of our life and emotions, which can go a long way in regulating our emotions.

Sonali Gupta is a Mumbai-based psychotherapist. She is the author of the book You Will be Alright: A Guide to Navigating Grief and has a YouTube channel, Mental Health with Sonali.

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