Navigating tough talks: How to discuss war, global conflicts with children

Discussing war with children is a lot like trying to explain why we pay taxes or discussing good touch-bad touch—complex, uncomfortable, but ultimately necessary," says Megha Joshi,  clinical psychologist, department of clinical psychology, Institute of Human Behaviour and Allied Sciences, Delhi. “It is essential to acknowledge that children are perceptive and attuned to our emotional states which makes it imperative to regulate our own anxieties before initiating the conversation," she explains.  

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Dona Singh, Delhi-based clinical psychologist, concurs that discussing war and difficult news with children can be very challenging. It is obvious and natural that we feel conflicted on whether or not to talk to them about it, she notes. “Before having a conversation about it, it is important to assess their understanding of the particular topic and how much they know about it. Based on that information, we can decide how much to and what to tell your child," Singh advises. Since children always look to their parents for comfort,  “choosing appropriate language is crucial," she notes. For instance, use words like “fight" rather than “war" because younger children, Singh believes can comprehend the word “fighting " better than  “war". 

It would also be prudent to talk to them about war through stories and history. “This way, they know what is happening and why it is happening," Singh says. Another suggestion she has is to avoid showing kids graphics or pictures. "Pictures can leave fear and trauma in their mind, so avoid it. Instead, have honest conversations with them as it helps foster trust.  Be authentic but make sure the language you’re using is age appropriate," Singh recommends. 

Joshi cites a recent interaction to explain how close the subject hit home. “Recently, one of my young clients, with a furrowed brow and a mix of curiosity and worry, asked me, “Why are people fighting on TV? Will it come here too?" It struck me how deeply even the youngest among us are impacted by the current scenario," she muses.  Younger children, she notes,  require simplicity. “You could explain conflict-ridden situations using lines like “sometimes, people disagree so much that they fight. It’s not the right way, but it happens, and there are people trying to make things peaceful again"," Joshi elaborates. What about when they ask more complex questions? You could say something like, “That’s a tough question, let’s think about it together,"  she adds. 

WATCHING VIOLENT NEWS THAT INVOLVES CHILDREN

This is news that can wring anyone's heart but on the topic of talking to your children about bombing and other incidents that involve children being affected by violence, Joshi says, “Addressing violent news that directly involves children requires both empathy and forthrightness. From a trauma psychology perspective, avoidance is counterproductive."  Singh recommends using the sandwich method of conversation: “You start with a positive line, end  with a positive but you place the negative topic in between." An example of such a conversation according to Singh would be: “The world has both good and bad people. While people are mostly good, sometimes, there can be bad people who can hurt others including children." End it on a note that goes “…the world is a nice place where people are kind and value one another."  Singh further elaborates that while talking about ‘bad people or perpetrators or terrorists', parents should also mention people who ‘protectors’ such as security people, police, the armed forces and so on.  

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Remind them that they are safe. Balance the gravity of this kind of news, Joshi adds, with narratives of post-traumatic growth and community support. “Highlight how people come together to help those affected, including stories of medical and psychological support for survivors. This not only shifts the focus from the tragedy itself but also underscores human compassion and resilience," she says.  

WAYS TO PREPARE A CHILD MENTALLY TO THE POSSIBILITY OF WITNESSING A WAR

Start by providing your children with honest information in a reassuring and a non-threatening way. “Create a space where the child can express his fears and anxiety. Let them know that it is okay to ask questions. You have to reassure them and make sure they are safe and protected," says Singh. 

Anxiety in children often presents with somatic symptoms—stomach aches, headaches, or changes in sleep patterns. Since they don't always possess the vocabulary to pinpoint how they feel, Joshi suggests using emotional labeling. This would look like asking: It seems like something is bothering you. Want to talk about it? "Naming the emotion facilitates affective processing and reduces internal distress," explains Joshi. 

 Apart from diaphragmatic breathing, another effective strategy, according to Joshi is, progressive muscle relaxation where you guide children to tense and then release muscle groups to alleviate somatic tension.

When you do encounter a situation where air sirens become a reality, as in the recent Indo-Pak conflict, Singh's advice is to educate kids about sirens in a simple way. “Equate it to a fire alarm. Explain that just like how an  alarm allows people to take safety measures, a siren too alerts people and allows them to take precautionary measures," she notes. Also keep them informed about emergency plans and protocols. “Approach it like you would teach them about life safety rules– keep it simple," says Singh. 

Fostering emotional resilience is another must. “Teach them deep breathing techniques and to focus on the present– we are safe now, we can be relaxed," adds Singh with one final tip: “It pays to remember that children do what they see. So, if your kids see you manage yourself well in a situation, they will too." 

Sumitra Nair is an independent journalist based in Kochi. 

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