How to say no at work

We don’t want to, but we feel like we have to. As human beings, we are hardwired to help and conditioned to be cooperative. We believe that saying yes means we’re a team player, a good friend, a successful professional. Refusing seems like it isn’t an option and will bring terrible consequences.

But saying yes to things we don’t want to do also has terrible consequences—it can make us unhappy and resentful.

A successful businesswoman and consultant shared with me that she tended to be “nice," which gave her a reputation as a pushover. Her colleagues would often point people in her direction saying, “Ask her. She will definitely say yes." She was often stressed and overwhelmed with helping others.

But as my research with hundreds of people shows, we can learn to say no. And we can do it with confidence and conviction.

To do it, we need to learn the proper way to evaluate what people are asking—and the most effective ways to respond. Most of all, we need to set up principles for ourselves—I call these personal policies—that clearly define what we will accept and what we won’t, and stick to them.

Why is a simple no so hard for us to say? My research reveals that this feeling of obligation stems from a few underlying (albeit often false) beliefs about saying no. We think “no" can damage the good relationship with the asker, and that the asker won’t be willing to do something we ask for down the road. We fear that “no" will convey ineptitude and unprofessionalism. It will stain our reputation.

But, in fact, the opposite is true: People perceive you as more decisive and purpose-driven when you say no the right way. And people would much rather have you say no upfront than say yes and then drop the ball later. If you do a shoddy job or don’t deliver on time because you are overwhelmed or overcommitted, you damage relationships and your reputation much more than if you had said no in the first place.

As one person told me during a coaching session, “You are not doing your reputation any favors by biting off more than you can chew." Saying no to a client’s request—or, even hiring an external consultant—helps secure your reputation and ensure client satisfaction.

Saying no also makes us feel better. When we say no to something we don’t want to do, we feel relieved and happy, instead of angry, frustrated and resentful.

One simple question

Saying no the right way starts with one simple question: Is this request worth it or not? Obviously, not all requests are created equal.

Some requests, like passing the salt at a dinner table, are low-cost to us but highly beneficial to others—these often deserve a yes. Let’s say you are a whiz at Excel and you have the opportunity to help a co-worker who doesn’t know the program at all. You could do a task in a few minutes that might take the other person days to figure out. Saying yes would be a pass-the-salt request for you.

Other requests may be highly costly to us with minimal benefit to others. A friend might ask you to bake a complex dish for a potluck dinner because the meal is your specialty. (“Can you make your lasagna?") These requests require careful scrutiny and often warrant a firm no. The purpose of a potluck, for instance, is to share a lot of different dishes, not necessarily have the tastiest homemade food. If you want to make a top-notch signature dish for people to enjoy, it should be on your terms, perhaps at a dinner party you host.

Once you have decided to refuse a request, you must communicate your refusal effectively. My research shows that people often make a mess of it. Some use avoidance and assume that the asker will “get" their refusal from their silence or disappearance (yes, ghosting an innocent asker is not uncommon). Askers interpret this as nonresponsive—which it is.

On the other end of the spectrum is the awkward, wishy-washy refusal: “No, but if you really want me to, I’ll do it." We’re aiming to offer a compromise, but this type of answer only leaves both you and the asker guessing about where things stand. You come across as indecisive, unclear about priorities and a poor communicator.

Look inside

Those strategies are effective—as a starting point. But there is a larger strategy for saying no that will help you judge requests much more quickly, and reply much more effectively.

First, do some self-examination: Figure out your principles and set rules for sticking to them. You might set up a rule to maintain the quality of work you do: “I don’t take on new projects till I am well under way with my progress on the ones already on my plate." Or establish a personal policy that helps you maintain better work-life harmony: “I don’t take calls or meetings after 6 p.m. or on the weekends, because that is family time."

Use those principles to guide your choices, eliminating the need for case-by-case deliberation. These predetermined rules strengthen your resolve and make refusal feel natural. Instead of just saying no, you make it clear that the answer comes from the core of your values, beliefs, priorities and preferences, instead of your mood or schedule at the moment. When you ground your refusal in who you are, you come across as more determined and are less likely to get pushback.

Choose your words

Then, when you do refuse, frame your response with empowered language. For instance, use “I don’t," not “I can’t," which signals that your “no" stems from who you are and the rules you have set for yourself. Communicate that the refusal stems from our core principles rather than mere convenience.

“I can’t" suggests helplessness and temporary obstacles. When you say “I’m sorry, I can’t," it often raises the question “Why not?" and invites negotiation. Also, don’t give excuses when you say no. It invites questions. Instead, be firm and resolute. If you say, for instance, you are too busy now, you leave the door to the other person asking again.

Consider a senior executive who would like to reserve the quiet morning hours for strategic planning but keeps getting pulled into early meetings. Making excuses about why he or she “can’t" attend could send the wrong message. Instead, he or she could say, “I don’t do early morning meetings," which conveys determination and commitment and frees up the time to do the most important work.

And don’t just state your refusal, bring your whole self into the response. A warm smile, friendly gestures and confident body language reinforce that your no is about your priorities rather than a rejection of the asker.

If you do find yourself stuck for an answer in the moment, don’t respond quickly. Always buy time to evaluate the request. Be prepared with handy phrases: “I will have to get back to you. Let me look at my calendar."

Like anything worth doing, learning to say no effectively, requires patience, practice and persistence. Say yes to that challenge.

Vanessa Patrick is associate dean of research and Bauer professor of marketing at the University of Houston’s C.T. Bauer College of Business. She is the author of “The Power of Saying No: The New Science of How to Say No That Puts You in Charge of Your Life." She can be reached at reports@wsj.com.